me and n

“something almost scarily self-disclosing” is what someone told me my blog was not. and it isn’t, and perhaps it’s a good thing it is not, but here it goes. the most self-disclosing post you’ll probably get on this public blog. this is stuff i haven’t really said to friends, haven’t really wanted to admit, whatever. i’m sure many of my friends probably could infer it. who knows, i’ll probably chicken out and delete this post after i put it up. but here goes…

i fell in love with n almost instantly. maybe not instantly but i was definitely in like. and as usual, the fun & casual became the not fun & not casual. i was really skeptical about entering a relationship with him when we had first started dating because he was leaving for new york in mid-june, and at this time it was mid-may. he did this really grand gesture of staying an extra week in san diego at the last minute just so we could spend time together and that ultimately won me over. he took a risk when i wasn’t even sure if i wanted to be committed and just stayed. so, the day he left, we were officially “in a relationship.” whatever that can mean for someone you met two months ago and is 2,000+ miles away. i don’t want to say this is where the problems began, because even during the “bliss” phase (when you first start seeing each other,) there were already problems. (he was jealous and insecure about me seeing other people, and liking other guys, etc.) but this is really where the problems began. if we had decided to be in a relationship before he had left, we probably would’ve worked harder to build something stronger than what we had when he left.

when he was in new york, we had a lot of communication problems. a lot of “this shouldn’t be talked about over the phone” which generally led to my response of “we only have the phone!?” but he would say it’s cause we were thousands of miles apart and i wanted to believe that’s why we had problems. so i did. and because i did, i went to new york to visit him. the trip can be summed up in one word: mistake.

to tell a long story short, when he came back things did not get better and i stayed in a bad relationship. at the end of the day, i gave 200% he was my first priority and i did everything i could try to do to make it work. i was completely in love with this guy which is why i thought if i stayed, he’d eventually come around and treat me better. i’m not going to make a laundry list of what he did that was completely unacceptable, but i can tell you we did not bring out the best in each other. i’m not trying to put all the blame on him, because i definitely made some mistakes of my own.

so where are we now? not friends. i ignore him when he calls/texts/emails. is it easy? no. am i still hurt? yes. do i miss him a lot? of course. am i moving on? definitely.

so why am i writing about this? because i have been thinking about what this means for me and someone else, and i am quite wary of repeating this situation. it’s mid-may again, and i do not want a repeat of the past year, that’s for sure.